Relationships and Attraction: Flirting is Broken (and btw, you're Awesome)

Flirting, attraction, seduction, coquetry and beguilement. All words describing the act (or to some, the art) of courting a fellow human being to create the ultimate natural drug consisting of hormones and adrenalin known colloquially as 'chemistry'.

More intellectually absurd and at the same time evolutionarily rational than any other is the concept of love at first sight, typically more frequent in males than females, but something anyone could experience (though I never have, myself, I know of several people who claim to have experienced it).

(OK, the introduction in this post became a bit long eventually, and although I enjoyed writing it, it might be a bit lengthy, so if you're not in the mood for that, just skip the next five paragraphs)


At a glance, you evaluate a person's style, facial features, posture and body shape as well as their reaction to you. In a way – in particular if there is an initial 'spark' – an immediate Mexican stand-off takes place where both of you wait for the other to make a move. Especially if there is a bit of distance between you, you wait and observe. At this point, everything is about how you are perceived. You will probably slowly sit up a bit straighter. Roll back your shoulders. Push your chest out only a little. Maybe you will shift slightly, both to get a better look and to look better yourself.

Does it feel familiar? If you are the shy type, the following may be more likely: you lock onto each other's eyes only for a brief moment, only to realize you were spotted yourself. You look away only to peek back over your shoulder and realize that the other person is doing the same thing. You pull your shoulders up a little and pull your arms close in to your body, all the while stealing more looks to see if the other is still looking.

This is attractive as you both perceive each other as having the same social 'status' as the other. Those sparks fly when you communicate with someone who is on the same status wavelength. The problem arises when there is a difference in status, and this is where flirting is broken (in two very different ways).

The entire concept of flirting permeates most every aspect of society. These moments can occur at a bar, in a café, at work, on the beach or in a mosque, and as such, it automatically becomes an integral part of our lives. A lot of the time, we don't even notice it ourselves. In particular, this is the case for those who are particularly attractive.

Both men and women who possess external beauty, and in particular those who also carry with them an aura of confidence and certainty, often find themselves on the receiving end of compliments and advances as well as shy looks and 'accidental' grazes (and don't pretend you haven't done that; we all have). This is the basis for the first, most obvious way in which flirting is broken, and this is the only problem we usually see and experience directly. Because people are insecure and scared of doing or saying something wrong, there are often misunderstandings which lead to heartbreak and more misunderstandings. Attractive people soon learn to be either more open or more secluded and (unfortunately) often adopt an aversive attitude to displaying affection towards others.

(/intro)

The other, more indirect way in which flirting (and even a lot of daily interaction) is broken is the one which concerns me though. I noticed it because i caught myself doing this wrong, and found myself unable to easily change it (also, I was reminded of the effects of repeated messages and propaganda by the US, but that is a completely different matter).

Basically, when you consciously flirt, you do two things actively. You try to respond well to what the other person says and does, and you do your best to be interesting; and to be interesting, you should do something different. Something others usually don't do. This has turned into something rather malicious in some places as jokes are being made through insults. As an example, a girl (let's call her Susan) may be really sensitive about the size of her forehead (yes, a lot of people are), and later, although he knows this, a guy (let's call him Frederick) may clumsily comment on the size of a television as being "almost the size of your forehead, haha!" As things go, Susan tries to respond as nicely as she can (I mean, she does kind of like him a bit maybe), and may also be a spot surprised, resulting in a nervous chuckle. "Success!," Frederick's mind subconsciously shouts with a smile, resolving to repeat the joke at a later occasion.

Not long after, the joke is reiterated about something else equally absurd, and as Susan already laughed once before, it has suddenly become her default response to the situation, and before they know it, it is a running joke between the two. Now, eventually, the joke itself won't carry any negative connotations, but it facilitates  actively downgrading yourself. Just as with propaganda, repeating the same thing over and over eventually makes it true in your mind, however much we may say it doesn't.

This has become a trend in our society today. We talk smack as a form of humor and put both each other and others down for cheap laughs, and while we may laugh at it, we are left afterwards with a self-reinforcing behavior which inevitably breaks you down rather than builds you up.

Starting today, inspired by some friends of mine who constantly remind me of what great people and friends they are by telling both me others how awesome we are and how good we look and how great it is that we exist. I honestly take it upon myself to to this even more, and also actively cut down on (and eventually maybe even quit) talking smack.

Have I told you today, how awesome you are?
Because you are. You really are, and I am extremely happy to be able to tell you that.


Further reading:
Some women with experience with the matter at hand (read the highlighted comment as well as the top one)
A man with an opposing, yet similar (though rather one-sided) opinion

PS.: Although I disagree somewhat with the statements of both linked posters, they do open up for some good discussion and present some thought-provoking material.